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Addiction & Heart

WHAT PORN IS DOING TO YOUR WIFE

Posted by: Michael

Reading time: 4 minutes

Many people consider the using of sexually explicit videos and images for sexual arousal to be a perfectly normal way of life. There are many thousands (even many millions) of men that received much of their sexual education during adolescence from the opened floodgates of internet porn.

These men could access any type and any amount of sexually explicit material online, and have normalized this behaviour over the course of many years.

These men began relationships, got married, even started families, yet the habit of using porn continued as an acceptable way of life.

These men may not have the slightest idea about how much damage they are causing their wives from their choice to continue using porn.

The common beliefs and opinions of men that regularly use porn are these:

    • Everyone uses porn.
    • The women in porn want to be in porn, otherwise they would not do it.
    • I am not hurting anyone

The reality is this:

    • Not everyone uses porn, because some men understand that displaying people as objects of sex can distort perceptions about what women and sex actually are.
    • Not all women choose to be in porn. Some performers are manipulated, forced, or have problems with mental or emotional health.
    • A man’s actions most definitely have effects upon others, especially to that man’s wife. By your choice to use porn, your wife can be hurt emotionally, in how she feels. She can be hurt mentally, in what she believes. And she can be hurt spiritually, in her sense of purpose about her life.

By your choice to use porn, you are imposing distortions upon her of what her body should look like. In the time that you have spent viewing many thousands of videos and images, porn has deeply indoctrinated your beliefs about what kinds of physical traits are more valuable than others. Your wife might feel differently about her body if there were not a thousand other naked women getting your attention.

You are also imposing distortions upon your wife about what sex should be, of what she is supposed to like, and what she is supposed to do. Your wife might like to develop her own sense of sexual excitement and pleasure without the influence of porn. These distortions of expectations and of her body are making her feel unworthy.

Another effect upon your wife by your choice to use porn is the destruction of her security. The prevailing trend from porn and the men that use it regularly is that the same thing gets boring. At first, you will seek the novelty of a different kind of porn, maybe something you have never seen before, or something more intense than you usually use. Eventually this gets boring also, and users of porn will push things even further. Watching escalates into participation, into sex cam shows, online strippers, actual strip clubs, massage parlors, meetup apps, and prostitutes.

You may believe that you can do things in secret, and that because you never speak about it, no one will ever know. The reality is that deceit about what you actually think, feel, or do, does not stay hidden forever. Deceit is a balancing act that always, eventually, fails. Lying to your wife, keeping secrets, and betrayals are destroying the security that she asked for, by marrying you. Porn is the starting point of destructive sexual behaviour, and by willfully bringing this damage into the life of the woman you married, you make her needs for security seem unimportant.

A third and very brutal effect that your choice to use porn has on your wife is the sheer disrespect of fantasizing about other women. It does not matter if you visualize yourself with the women you see in the videos and images on screen, or if you imagine yourself in scenarios with women that you know in real life. In your mind you choose other women, you want other women, you give them your desire. Do not sugarcoat this behaviour as anything other than betrayal. Think of how you would feel if your wife spent time every day scrolling through her phone and leering at all the other men she would like to be with sexually, and all the wild passionate things that she would do with them. Imagine if she thought about the men she saw everyday at work, or the gym, or the grocery store, and had sexual thoughts about the other people that she encountered, as often as you do. You would likely also feel disrespected by this kind of behaviour.

The disrespect that you are showing your wife by using porn is also from the enormous amount of your time that has been lost to porn. Think of all the minutes and hours of time that you spent on porn, instead of using that time to build a connection to your wife or do something meaningful for her. The disrespect of lost time and fantasizing about other people makes your wife feel insignificant.

Think of a moment in your life when someone made you feel unworthy, or not good enough.

Think of a moment in your life when someone made you feel unimportant, or did not care about you.

Think of a moment in your life when someone made you feel insignificant, like you did not matter.

And know that you are causing your wife the same kind of pain from your choice to use porn.

Michael is the Lead Sobriety Coach and Head Blogger of Addiction Reality. 

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